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Thu, June 02, 2011 | Rubin Reports | By Barry Rubin

Word cloud of President Obama’s speech titled: Moment of Opportunity: American Diplomacy in the Middle East (Source: humanrights.gov)

It’s Official: I Announce My Candidacy to be Middle East Czar for the U.S. Government

Good evening. My fellow Americans and fellow Middle Easterners, since so many people are now announcing their candidacy for high office, I have decided to launch my candidacy for U.S. Middle East policy czar.

Winston Churchill once said,

“A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.”

But we can do better than that.

As you know, American interests in the region are in a serious recession. Far from being revived by the democracy stimulus package, things have gotten worse. Islamist forces are growing; America’s friends are trembling; the enemies of freedom are rejoicing.

The social security of America’s allies is in deep deficit. Millions of people have been added to the rolls of those not covered by U.S. strategic health insurance. Man-made global sharia-warming is happening despite my warning. Hate crimes against Americans, Christians, Bahais, and Jews are on the rise.

Winston Churchill also said that an appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. At present, it is thought that if you say nice things about the crocodile, send it lots of money, and feed others to it, the crocodile will be your friend and not accuse you of crocodilophobia.

Something must be done to reverse this process, and the failed policies of the current administration will not do so. In fact, four more years of the same will send the region back four centuries.

Consequently, I feel the need to step forward and do something about it. In the months to come I will be entering the Saudi and Jordanian primaries, promising U.S. protection from revolutionary Islamism and Iran.

I will enter the Syria, Lebanon, and Turkish opposition primaries pledging my full support for their democratic aspirations and against their dictatorial governments.

If elected, I will call for an international alignment of forces opposing revolutionary Islamism, a united front against repressive extremism. North America, Europe, Israel, India, and all the relatively moderate governments and all the real democratic forces of the Arabic-speaking world, Turkey, and Iran should be mobilized and organized to work together to the greatest possible extent.

I will reinstate the doctrine that an intelligent foreign policy requires rewarding your friends and punishing your enemies. And that, in turn, must begin with a proper definition of friends and enemies.

I will not be afraid to use the words “terrorism” and Islamism.

I will only use the phrase, “The status quo is unsustainable” when referring to the dictatorships in Iran and Syria.

I will not throw allies under the bus.

I will support a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestinian conflict when Fatah and the Palestinian Authority decide that they really want one. Being a Middle Easterner I am a very very patient man. Very, very, very patient. If they’re not in a hurry to find a real compromise solution, I’m not in a hurry.

In the fashion of the Middle East I will seek respect over popularity.

I will not send billions of dollars to Pakistan when it helps al-Qaida and the Taliban while launching terrorist attacks against India.

I will be willing to admit that Hamas, Hizballah, Iran, Syria, the Muslim Brotherhood, and their ally, the current Turkish regime, are bad.

I will not say that the Taliban has a moderate wing or that Hizballah can’t be terrorist because it has lawyers among its members.

I will publicly announce that the Muslim Brotherhood is Muslim and a Brotherhood and Islamist and violent and anti-American and antisemitic.

I will advocate hope only when there is real hope, and change only when that change would be a real improvement.

My fellow Americans and my fellow Middle Easterners, in the immortal words of Marion Mitchell Morrison, “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” We can no longer afford to have a stupid U.S. Middle East policy jeopardizing our lives and our futures. Indeed, in the Middle East if you are stupid, life isn’t just hard, it’s short.

And so I humbly ask for your support and your vote in this critical election.

Thank you and good evening.

By the way, my birth certificate information is available on request.

PS: Marion Mitchell Morrison is better known by his professional name, John Wayne.

About the author,

Barry Rubin is director of the Global Research in International Affairs (GLORIA) Center, editor of the Middle East Review of International Affairs (MERIA) Journal, and a featured columnist at PajamasMedia http://pajamasmedia.com/barryrubin/ His latest books are The Israel-Arab Reader (seventh edition), The Long War for Freedom: The Arab Struggle for Democracy in the Middle East (Wiley), and The Truth About Syria (Palgrave-Macmillan). The website of the GLORIA Center is http://www.gloria-center.org. His PajamaMedia columns are mirrored and other articles available at http://www.rubinreports.blogspot.com/.